Lost: Searching for a happy ending
by Chocolatetooth44
Summary: Frost was once a kittypet. But after the brutal murder of her family, sets out to find herself, to come to terms with her struggles and most importantly discover where she belongs. "I always lose those that I love the most."
1. Chapter 1

**A/N This is a continuation of To have loved and lost.**

Frost felt numb and yet, at the same time, her sorrow and depression and hopelessness threatened to overwhelm her. To drown her. Her entire world had shattered into a million pieces. First the death of her mother and brother. Then the death of her no-claw family the their son Harry had survived, but she would never know what happened to him. Never be able to watch him grow.

_I always lose those I love the most._

The white and grey she cat wanted to give up. To die there and then. Then she could truly join her family. She dragged herself to... Frost didn't even know where. She just went on. Frost spotted something, which chilled her spine. And yet she padded towards it blindly. It was a yew bush. Poisonous red berries grew on them. This was how her brother, Hawk had died. And his death had been her fault. If only she hadn't insisted on them eating the berries when they were desperately hungry.

_Does it hurt to die? Well, it can't hurt much more than the pain I'm in now. I just want it to all end._

She stared at the berries on the yew bush.

_This is the only way. I have lost too much. Too much. I can't live with the pain. It's too much._

Frost reached for a berry with her paw outstretched.

She screeched as she felt a weight barrel into her.

"Those are yew berries, Frost!" he yowled. "They could o' killed ya in a minute"

Frost realized that it was Percy the black kittypet with a strange accent who lived across the street.

"That's the whole point!" she yelled. "I have lost too much. Too much. Everytime I get close to someone, I ultimately lose them. First my mother and brother. Then my no-claw family! The pain is too much. I just want the pain to end so that I can truly join them."

Percy just stared for a moment in surprise. In shock. Frost waited for the sympathy to burn in his eyes. She didn't want sympathy. Frost wanted her family back. She wanted everything to go back to normal. Or, if she couldn't, she wanted her life to end.

"Frost" Percy said gently. "I'm really sorry 'bout ya loss. But just 'cos you have lost a few loved ones, doesn't mean ya have to give up. Life will always be hard. But there always will be happy moments and funny moments too. Life is hard. But ya need to move on. To live ya life."

"Easy for you to say, Percy. You've never lost anyone you loved. You don't understand how much it hurts!" Frost snapped.

This time the usually jocular Percy lost his temper. "I couldn't possibly understand how it much it hurts to lose loved could I? For ya information Frost I once had a mate. I loved her so much. She was also a kittypet. But she died giving birth to our two sons. And they were both stillborn. Didn't even open their eyes. It broke my heart. And here I am two years later. Ya don't hear whining about how unfair my life is do ya? I have moved on. I still live life. I haven't given up. If anything ya ma an' bro will want ya to live life. To move on."

Not sympathy, but frustration and empathy shone in Percy's green eyes.

Frost was still angry. Still filled with aching sorrow. And pain. Yet, Percy had a point.

Surely her mother and Hawk and the Potters... where ever they were would want her to be happy. To live life.

But she wasn't sure if she could ever be happy again. Not when all those she loved were gone. Not when it felt as though her soul had been torn.

Not when it felt as though each time she got close to someone, they died.

"You have a point" Frost sighed finally. "But how can I be happy again when there is no one left that I love?"

"What 'bout me? I care for ya." Percy mewed.

_Does Percy have a crush on me?_

"Listen Percy, You're a great friend and all, but I'm not sure about us being in a romantic relationship" Frost said trying to be as gentle about this fact as she could. To her bewilderment, Percy gave mrrow of laughter.

"What? Us in a romantic relationship? Ya do realize I'm at least three years ya senior. And not all love is romantic, remember. However, a friend I am."

"Er...Thanks" Frost said feeling stupid for assuming he had meant romantic love.

"So ya gonna find a new famiy o' housefolk?" Percy asked.

"No. I have decided that I need to just be on my own for a while. I... I want to find my own way." Frost said, saying this all on spur of the moment.

Percy had concern in his eyes for a moment.

"Alright. See ya then Frost. May you have the best of luck on this journey. An' remember... If ya ever want to come back Poppy an' I are your friends" Percy mewed.

"Thanks Perce. I won't forget you. You have been a great friend. But I best be off" Frost mewed sadly.

Frost set off in the distance. Not sure where she was going. Or what she was doing. She just went on. Frost needed time. To heal. To move on. To find happiness once more. She was soon so far away the no-claw nests were tiny pricks in the distance. Her old life already seemed so distant. Not attached to her. Soon Frost could feel her belly rumbling with hunger. She spotted a mouse nibbling at some seeds nearby. Perfect! She automatically lowered herself into the hunting crouch. She stalked it pawstep by pawstep. Then she leapt and killed it with a swift bite to the neck. She was satisfied once more when she had gulped down the mouse. It also seemed to help fill some of the emptness she felt.

No matter how hard she tried she could not help being reminded of her family with every rustling leaf or bird song. she could still remember Lily and James stroking her. Harry trying to grab her tail. Harry taking his first staggering steps. Lily and James being affectionate with eachother. Harry zooming around on his broom.

But she also remembered the bad things too. The dark figure ending James and Lily's life with a flash of green light. Attempting to kill Harry though Harry miraculously survived. His survival still baffled Frost. It didn't make any sort of sense. But she was thankful that he was alive all the same. At least one Potter had survived.

She was considering taking shelter in an old tree hollow when something caught her eye. A beautiful cream she cat was lying limp and lifeless on the ground. Two small scraps were huddling close to her a cream one and a white was a large branch next her body, which frost guessed had caused her death. They must have been her kits. They looked terrified and shocked and Frost was instantly reminded of herself and Hawk. She started walking towards them. Her heart sank as she thought of how everytime she got close to someone they died. It was as though she had bad luck on her side. Frost didn't know if she could bear to watch another loved one die.

_But I can't leave two innocent kits to fend for themselves. Like me and Hawk._

She remembered how painfully lonely, scared and, above all, starving they had been.

She would never forgive herself if she condemned these poor kits to such a fate.

She went up to them. They stared at her their eyes large and afraid.

"It's ok, I won't hurt you" Frost mewed gently.

The two kits didn't look convinced.

"My brother and I were once like you. We had also lost our mother so young. We had to fend for ourselves, but we were so scared, so cold, so hungry. It's a tough life for a kit. Believe me. But now you have an oppurtunity that my brother and I never got. To be looked after by an older cat. Come with me."

The two kits stared at her, processing this information.

"I'm Frost. Please tell me your names."

There was silence.

"Honey" the cream she kit said at last.

"Ice" mewed the white tom.

Honey had amber eyes like Frost. But Ice had piercing grey eyes like Hawk.

"Come on then, let's find us some shelter and some prey". Frost beckoned the kits forward with a flick of her tail.

Honey and Ice followed her uncertainly. But after she collected some prey and they all had full bellies, they were a lot more relaxed.

She led them inside an old tree hollow for shelter.

"We have a big day tomorrow. We need all the rest we can get" said Frost.

As they all curled up to sleep, Frost found the presence of the two kits sleeping next to her a great comfort to her loneliness.

It was sunhigh by the time Frost awakened. Honey and Ice were already awake and whispering to eachother in hushed voices.

_They are just as close as Hawk and I once were._

She gave a huge yawn. "Come on, let's get going."

They followed her obediently, though they still seemed apprehensive. They had barely said a word to Frost, but often spoke to eachother in hushed voices. This made Frost sigh, although she could understand how hard it must be for the two kits to have lost their mother at a young age. And then be in the care of a total stranger.

_I wish they would trust me completely. I wish they would talk to me._

She signaled to them to stay put, whilst she went ahead and hunted a squirrel for them to tuck into.

As they went on they seemed to be in a no-claw area once again. They were getting quite tired and Frost spotted a barn. She indicated that they should go inside.

"Mother once took us to a barn!" squeaked Honey excitedly. "Let's go!" Honey charged ahead energetically into the barn.

Ice didn't seem to share her excitement strangely enough. On the contrary he looked frightened."No, Honey come back!"

And Frost realized why. A sinister stench hit her nose and a moment later she heard a terrified shriek.

**A/N Hope you enjoyed, please comment or review as any sort of feedback is welcome! Thought I would leave you on a bit of a cliffhanger, so you'll tune in for the next chapter, eh?**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N This chapter is abit shorter than the last, but hope it's still enjoyable.**

Ice was so terrified he scurried away like a pursued rabbit. Frost could smell his fear. But it was nothing in comparison to Honey's. Frost could not bare to leave her. To allow yet another loved one to die right in front of her. "Honey!" Frost screeched as she dashed desperately towards the cream she kit. The rats hissed and threatened and clawed and bit. Frost fought as viciously as she could. She could hear her hot blood roaring in her head as she fought her way past rats. She winced at the way her wounds stung, but rage gave her the strength to push past and get to Honey's cream body.

"Honey! Honey!"

But even with the attacking rats, she could see Honey's amber eyes were glazed and staring into nothingness, her body limp and unmoving. A familiar feeling washed over her. Grief. She grabbed the precious bundle and forced her way past the siege of rats. She wanted to kill each and everyone for killing this innocent kit. Frost felt rage flow through her veins like she had never felt it before. She would fight to the death wiping them all out.

_I hate all of you. I want all of you to die painful deaths._

But she had something more important to do. Covered in scratches and bruises and a torn ear, she carried Honey away.

The rats hissed a warning their mean little eyes furious and hate filled.

"Yeah, I'm leaving murderers" she cried, though of course they could not understand her. She laid Honey's body by a clump of poppies.

"I'm sorry I failed you, little one. You were far too young to die" she murmured.

_This is me and my brother all over again._

"Why do you do this to me? Why do you torment me with my loved ones deaths over and over? All I ever do is try to look out for my loved ones. To be the best big sister. The best kittypet. The best foster mother. But they all die one by one. I hate you!" Frost was yowling to no one in particular. She yowled this over and over whilst throwing herself onto the ground in despair. Frost was aware that she was being crazy. But she didn't care. The grief and pain of her loved one's deaths was too overwhelming. She slammed herself into a tree. It hurt. But the pain felt good.

"ANSWER ME! ANSWER ME!"

She could sense the presence of a familiar white tom.

"Frost, please stop you're scaring me" he mewed in such a sad, fearful voice it made her heart melt.

She turned around and brushed her muzzle gently against his shoulder.

"I'm sorry for failing you and your sister, Ice. I think you're better off without me. I have been pretty useless in defending my loved ones."

Frost's amber eyes were dull with defeat.

Ice's grey eyes widened in fear.

" Are you out of your mind? I won't last in on my own for ten minutes"

"Don't you see? It's my brother and me all over again. Your better off with out me."

The next thing that happened surprised Frost.

"Stop it! You were good to my sister and me. What happened was beyond your control. You were on your own. Don't you see, if you leave me on my own it will be like you all over again" Ice spoke so loudly that Frost was a little taken a back. Up until now, Ice had been quiet. Only whispering to Honey. She hadn't realized how quickly he had actually trusted her, saw as an authority and motherly figure after only two days.

Frost suddenly felt ashamed that she had almost abandoned him, because of her own grief and guilt.

She gave his ear a quick lick.

"I'm so sorry Ice. I was being stupid. Of course I can't abandon you"

"I need to say goodbye to Honey" his voice was even but the grief in his grey eyes gave him away.

"We won't forget you Honey. I love you, Frost loves you. I hope you meet up with mother" he whispered into her ear. He then helped Frost to bury her.

Ice seemed a little wary, probably because of her recent crazy episode, but gradually relaxed as they searched for a shelter. They eventually settled for an abandoned rabbit hole.

The pair were so exhausted by the time they awakened it was already past sunhigh.

"I think it's best we went hunting" Frost yawned. She winced slightly as her wounds from yesterday stung a bit.

"We? So… your going to teach me to hunt" Ice's eyes lit up with excitement.

"You are five moons old, it's about time"

Ice seemed genuinely excited and their was a new spring in his step.

"So how come Honey, couldn't smell the rats but you could?" The topic of Honey was painful to talk about, but the question had occurred to Frost and she could not help blurting it out.

"Well, you see Honey doesn't- okay, didn't have a sense of smell"

"What, you mean she doesn't have a very acute sense of smell"

"No, I mean she was born like that" he sounded quite sad to be talking about Honey.

"Ok" Frost felt a bit awkward and didn't speak for a while.

_Nice going Frost. Really great way to make conversation._

They spotted a young mouse quivering its small nose as it nibbled a seed.

"Watch carefully" she whispered. "To catch a mouse put all the weight on your haunches and be careful not disturb any leaves or twigs, or you will alert it to your presence."

She demonstrated the hunting crouch then ordered Ice to copy her.

"You look like a lopsided badger!" she mewed in amusement.

"But you will get it right after some practice" she added noting the disappointed look on Ice's face.

They kept practicing until Ice got it right. By that time the mouse had scurried away.

"Aww, now it got away" Ice complained.

"We'll find another one" shrugged Frost.

They found another mouse in a field of long grass.

"Okay this is your opportunity"

Ice nodded and crept slowly, but surely through the undergrowth towards his target. Frost was quite impressed with his progress. There was light breeze.

But when the wind changed direction a whiff of another cat hit her nose. She realized he must be going after the same mouse.

" Ice!" she called out not caring that this alerted the mouse. She just wanted to get Ice away from a potentially territorial cat who would not be pleased to have other cats hunting in his turf.

The mouse ran straight into the claws of a large brown tabby with fierce green eyes.

"Go find your own prey" he snarled.

**A/N Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Loved it? Hated it? Please comment or review so I will know.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N This is quite a short chapter and is mainly talking, but oh well, enjoy!**

Frost expected the fierce stranger to shred them on the spot.

"Go on, this is my territory. Get out of here" he snarled.

"Ok, we're leaving" Frost said quickly as she nudged Ice away a few paces.

The fierce tom merely grunted as he carried the mouse away.

"Come on Ice, let's get out of his fur" Frost mewed.

She expected him to sigh but follow her obligingly.

"He stole my first catch. Our prey" he protested.

"It is his territory" Frost pointed out.

"There's only one of him and two of us" Ice pressed on.

"I am not looking for a fight. And besides you're a kit."

"We haven't caught any prey yet and I'm starving."

"It's just a stupid mouse. We'll find more."

"This a good territory to have. There is good prey. And there is a decent stream. And we are a good distance away from no-claws"

Frost was worried the fierce tom might come back. She picked the squirming Ice by his scruff, deaf to his protests and ran a good distance away from the territory.

_What has gotten in to Ice? He's normally timid and pretty reasonable. Heck, he even managed to get me back together after one of my breakdowns._

"There is a vole about here" Frost mewed angling her ears towards the tiny quivering creature.

Ice seemed torn between arguing about the fierce brown tom and proving himself in hunting.

Ice was relieved he settled for the latter. He was stalking the vole pretty well, advancing inch by inch. But then when he trod on a leaf. His fatal mistake. The vole ran scurried away in alarm.

"This is the third lot of fresh kill we missed today!" he yowled in frustration.

"Okay, okay maybe I should hunt the next bit of fresh kill" she mewed. Frost regretted saying these words almost immediately.

"You don't think I'm any good at hunting do you?" he snapped.

"You were actually doing quite well, until you stepped on that leaf. Now come on, I will hunt and then we will find shelter"

"I'm sick of moving all the time. I'm sick of you telling me what to do. It's not like you're my mother!" the words spurted out his mouth. Even Ice looked a little shocked at what he had said.

"I try my best. That's all I ever do. I did my best to watch out for my loved ones. And they all died. And now I'm trying with you."

"What has gotten into you Ice? You are normally so reasonable and timid."

"Well I'm sorry about that bit about you not being my mother. You have been like a mother to me" Ice looked a little apologetic. His old timid, reasonable self.

"It's just everything…" Ice trailed off. He looked so upset, Frost didn't pressure him into telling her more.

They walked in silence. It was a lonely painful, silence. When Frost hunted a squirrel, they ate it in silence. When they found shelter in a tree hollow, they slept on opposite ends.

Frost had troubled dreams. All of her loved ones deaths replayed before her. First her mother. Then Hawk. Then the Potter family. Then Honey. She also saw Ice being eaten by a fox…

"Ice?" Frost awoke with a jolt. It was quiet. Too quiet.

"Ice!" she called in desperation.

He was gone.

**A/N What is the whereabouts of Ice? Find out in the next chapter. Hope you enjoyed this chapter. You know the drill. Loved it? Hated it? Please comment or review so I will know.**


	4. Chapter 4

Frost felt as though the weight of her fear for Ice's safety was pushing her down. Threatening to drown her.

"Ice!" she cried frantically searching every nook and cranny around that area. Any place that Ice could be. His scent was fairly stale. The sun was up which made Frost realize she had been asleep longer than she should have. Frost felt guiltier than ever

"Ice!" Frost was getting desperate. She feared the worst. Death.

_Why did we have to argue, yesterday Ice? Why do you have to disappear? Why does anything bad, happen at all? _

If Ice was dead she would be all alone. Yet another she had failed.

_Please don't be dead Ice. I love you like a son._

This realisation made Frost feel an awful pang. She had known him for three days, yet she thought of him as her son. She knew she couldn't bear to lose him.

"ICE! ICE!"

She called his name louder and louder. She found bits of stale scent, but lost the trail where it had rained. She really was panicking now.

_I can't bear it if he's dead! It's no use. He's gone. I just know it. _

Frost was choking. The world was caving in.

She threw herself on the ground in despair.

"Why did you have to go too, Ice? Why am I so bad at taking care of my loved ones? Why does this all happen to me? WHY IS THIS WORLD SO CRUEL! ANSWER ME! YOU, WHO IS LAUGHING AT MY MISFOR-"

"Are you alright?" mewed an unfamiliar voice.

Frost immediately stopped, feeling pretty embarrassed that someone had seen her breakdown.

The stranger was a beautiful ginger and white she-cat.

Frost tried to act as composed as possible.

_She probably thinks I'm absolutely insane. _

"It's just my son… well, adopted son Ice has gone missing. It's … a long story."

"I see" mewed the ginger and white she-cat. "I'm Rose. Who are you?"

"Frost"

"Is he a kit?"

"Yes"

"Then I think we can rule out the possibility of him running off with some she-cat" mewed Rose.

"I… I had an argument with him and I'm scared that he's run away and something's happened to him"

"Well Frost if I gave a little helping paw, perhaps we can find him. Two pairs of eyes and ears are better than one, after all."

Frost just nodded. She still presumed Ice to be dead. But was grateful for the ginger-she cat's offer.

_At least not all rogue cats are hostile_.

"Uh…thanks for helping me" Frost mewed as they padded along.

"No problem. I know what it is to lose a son" Rose said shrugging, though Frost had a suspicion it bothered her more than she let on.

Frost was curious as to what happened to Rose's son, but didn't want to seem nosy by prying and asking unwanted questions.

"I'm sorry… about your son, Rose" she mewed instead.

"It's alright, what's past is past. I still have my daughters and- Oh never mind. Let's just focus on finding your son."

"The rain will have washed away his scent" Frost pointed out.

"Then we will just to have to rely on our sight and hearing and call out"

"Ice! Ice!" they called out. They looked for a long time. Searching for a long time under every bush, tree hollow, even rabbit holes.

They eventually came to a very familiar field. It hadn't rained there.

And Frost could smell that Ice had been here.

"No! what was he thinking! That fierce tom will have torn him into shreds." she cried in dismay.

"Fierce tom?" Rose asked looking interested. "Was he a large brown tabby with green eyes?"

"You mean you know him?" Frost asked astonished.

"In a manner of speaking" shrugged Rose.

"How do-?" Frost began.

"Let's just find Ice quickly! And let's try to be silent"

Rose cut her off.

Frost was now very curious. Why did Rose seem so interested in the fierce tabby tom, yet at the same time seem to dread seeing him again? The two she cats silently followed Ice's scent.

"Maybe it would be best if I left and you do the rest. That brown tabby won't be pleased to see me"

"We've come this far. You cant just back out! Don't be such a coward!"

Frost was so angry at being left alone yet again, that she forgot to keep her voice down.

"Shut up!" Rose hissed.

But it was too late.

"Who goes there!" snarled a familiar voice as the fierce brown tabby leapt through the undergrowth.

"You again!" he growled spotting Frost. When he saw Rose, something strange happened.

"Rose, is that you?" he said his features softening for a moment.

"Tiger" she said daring to breathe out for a moment

But then his expression hardened. Tiger padded forward.

"Where have you been for the past half- moon? We have been worrying about you. Even Thorn. We thought you had abandoned us!"

It seemed that Frost had become invisible. Tiger and Rose seemed to be encased in their own private bubble.

"Well… I… I have come back. I just needed time to clear my head. It was such a shock. And it was very upsetting." Rose said staring at the ground as if she wished it would engulf her there and then. Frost was becoming more and more concerned as to the whereabouts of Ice.

"Thorn can't walk anymore, but never mind him. _You're _the one who's shocked and upset."

"Listen Tiger I…"

"Can you two save your argy bargy for later! I still need to find my son"

Frost's mouth seemed to say of it's own accord. Even Frost was surprised at what she had said. Bramble and Rose both stared at her as if she had arrived from a different world altogether.

"Oh… right" Rose mewed apologetically.

"I know you're upset with me right now Tiger, but have you seen a small white kit?"

Frost dreaded the answer. She was so sure he would not take kindly to seeing Ice on his territory again.

"Yes. He was hunting on our territory. So we took him back to our camp" Tiger growled.

_Ice how could you be so stupid?_

**A/N Phew! That was quite an involved chapter and turned out differently than I first imagined it. As always hope you enjoyed please comment or review so that I can know if it was any good or where I could improve etc, etc.**

**On a side note chapter five might not come out until early December due to my busy schedule until then.  
**


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